Friday, June 13, 2008

Get over yourselves.

I'm not about to run out and buy this book, but the author's comments in this interview, while sure to rankle many, clarify a position to which few men will admit.

This tiresome battle between the monogamous and the non-monogamous will probably go on forever, with each side demanding respect and hurling insults at the other, pointing out hypocrisy. There is a better route: real toleration for different lifestyles. I know plenty of married men (in gay and straight marriages) who enjoy a night out at the baths or similar. So what? Relationships are complicated things, the workings of which are not visible to others, no matter how close we get to their skin. Because we will always be curious about other people's lives, we will always speculate and gossip about them, but judging them is a fool's venture.

13 comments:

Mark said...

thank you, sweetheart.

i could shout myself hoarse, but you've gotten to the, er, root of the matter, as usual.

the only people who should be concerned about what's going on in a relationship are the people that are in it.

i've always said that sex was easy. negotiating and navigating through a relationship is real work, but you can create any scenario the two of you decide upon!

Mark said...

thank you, sweetheart.

i could shout myself hoarse, but you've gotten to the, er, root of the matter, as usual.

the only people who should be concerned about what's going on in a relationship are the people that are in it.

i've always said that sex was easy. negotiating and navigating through a relationship is real work, but you can create any scenario the two of you decide upon!

riot said...

Amen, Father Tony, and preach it.

I gave up monogamy in 1999. It's just not for me. But that's not to say I might not one day want to get married to my boyfriend. I can see wearing our rings to a sex party. In fact, the idea is rather hot to me.

These things should all co-exists. There are no reasons for limits.

If we can only get rid of "don't ask, don't tell," then I might really start cruising Tiffany.

cb said...

Mmmm, me likey quickie public sex!!!

Tater said...

The histrionic personality disorders evident in the comments section of his blog, have caused my absence from the Joe's Haloscan section. I did however, get an eyeful of the raging bitterness this afternoon.

How hard is it to respect each other's freedoms and personal choices? I just do not understand the need to compare myself with what everyone else is doing with their relationships. Steering a course through my own has been difficult enough. It just reeks of shame based defensiveness. Evolve already, people. Tearing each other down is no way to elevate oneself.

Eric said...

High five to that one!

Y | O | Y said...

Until I was 30, I thought everyone felt the same about relationships that I did...monogamous and forever. You know, just like my parents and grandparents.

After my first partner and I split, boy did I get an education! Sometimes the hard way and the lesson was "never assume."

The key is communicating what you want and listening to what others want without judgment. Not everyone thinks alike and there can be more than one right answer. If we're all open and honest we can find the right match for each of us.

Pere said...

Chacun a son gout!

joe-bearnickel said...

It is this dichotomy that will keep the so called gay male community torn apart with no apparent resolution.

Doralong said...

A- One can be in an emotionally monogamous relationship that takes into account the fact that sexual monogamy is truthfully a fairly unnatural construct; I don't care if you're gay, straight or bi it really is. Provided naturally that both partners are actual adults..

B- Why is it anyone else's fucking business?

R J Keefe said...

Kathleen and I watched A Touch of Class (1973) this evening, and then fell into a discussion of the urban legend about men who have separate households on the Upper East Side and the Upper West Side. I maintain that the urban legend part is that more than one of these households is unaware of the other.

Which is a long way round of saying that, while it's fun to speculate about other people's sex lives, nobody wants to pay anybody else's Con Edison bill.

Brian Spolarich said...

I love the quote at the end about "sad, unhappy people". We are so amazingly negative about sex, pleasure, sensuality, and joy that our moral instinct is that they are inherently bad.

That's not to say that people can't get into trouble - health-wise, relationship-wise, emotionally - and sex is extraordinarily powerful and compelling (obviously). I see the pitfalls in my own psyche.

His observations about the true state of heterosexual sexual fidelity is something I've quipped on repeatedly. If this conversation about sexual ethics proceeded from a position of honesty on all sides I think it would be quite different than the moralizing that tends to take place instead.

Birdie said...

I find the histrionics exhausting. I'd rather spend my energy finding what works best for me in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else. And if you find a different way to do the same, good for you. Open communication about your needs with a competent, consenting adult is the best way for everyone—whether it is with a single partner or many.