Lesbians, Ty-ers and Bears, Oh My!

Well there really weren’t any lesbians, but on Saturday night, We went downtown to see the blizzard, the wonderful blizzard of Blarg.

Earlier in the day, we had brunch at DeMarcheliers with Joe and this Fascinator. When I suggested that he fall in with us for the evening’s procession, RJ laughed and said, “Oh no thanks. Been there.”

“Well you’ll be able to peruse the reviews in about a dozen different blogs.”

“Please. I could write it right now.”

And he could have.

At exactly 10PM, the snow and the wind, arriving as predicted, swept us into Pieces, the first blarg depot. This is a pleasant place peopled with men who seem to be dreaming of a better world but are happy to turn some scraps of color into a warm and functioning engine of a Saturday night. The Blarg doubles their ranks, and we meet a really cute young guy with shiny wavy long black hair to whom the concept of blog must be explained. He’s a first grade teacher, and while he compares professional notes with Glenn, I wonder how school would have been different had I been taught by two hot men like these.

Also at Pieces, Mark-O-Cane's limber boyfriend and I get into a Catholic conversation that is of interest to only the two of us. Rule: if you want to clear a room, get me started on Church.

Joe interrupts us with protocol. “We’ve got a tight schedule, my tender butterflies.” I contribute the first of many half finished beers that will form a 40 blarger wake of debris along this nostalgic canal of tumbleweedy watering holes.

I recall odd moments of conversation.

At the Monster, C, and someone who will remain nameless, had a serious discussion about the bathroom door at Urge and its need for restoration.

At the Duplex, C and Helen have an astoundingly serious conversation about midget sex. Here, also, we make the first of several toasts to the absent Dagon.

At Ty’s, Circle (who got the evening’s Congeniality award for spending quality time with absolutely everyone) receives instruction from Glennalicious about how to produce the Funny Voice by inhaling the contents of a helium balloon. Here, we also examine the “John Deere green” of WeLike Sheep's tee shirt, and are reminded by C that corporate colors are not uncommon in the pantone world. Pepsi blue is an example.

As we leave Chi-Chiz, a rueful bystander says “They told us there’d be more of you here”. I’m not sure what he meant. I don’t think he was referring to “bloggers”. I have an idea it might have been a statement of racial/ethnic expectation.

At the Hangar, Joe is restrained from taking photos while Glennalicious announces “I can so look at any girl and tell exactly what her bra size is.” Helen is the only opportunity for verification, and Glenn nails it.

There is only one conclusion to be derived from this anthropological tour: bloggers may have off-switches, but they are rarely used. Marinate them in bad beer and wind-driven snow for a few hours and they will remain lively. I kept thinking that this is the exact group with whom I’ve always dreamed of taking a bus trip to Cleveland. The driver has a medical/dental condition that causes a detour to Akron, the only food on the bus is a five pound Yugoslavian salami hidden in Aaron's backpack, and, well, RJ, you can just write the rest from here, can’t you?

Blarg moment

Helen gets #, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Helendamnation, with the aire of a middle eastern seductress, displays evidence that there is at least one straight man in NYC who recognizes a fine woman. This attainment happened at either The Hangar or Chi-Chiz. Clear memory is lost under 26.9 inches of snow that night.

Blarg Moment

Blarg Moment, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Helendamnation, Circleinasquare and Bouncer Brendan formed this disconsolate, wistful, melancholic and slightly irritated (Brendan) group whose pose deserved John Singer Sargent.
This was at Boots and Saddles which had once been a venerable bar, but has been brutally gutted and redecorated by a taxidermist. It was our fourth stop of the night. (Circle requested I take out the "red eye", but I think leaving it in more fully captures the entire evening.)

Central Park Studioigloo

igloo, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

New construction. Excellent location. Southern exposure. Superb amenities. Many bathrooms. Terrace. Professional landscaping. Body heated. Pets OK. Expansion/addition possible. Act fast. This one won't last.

Four Bitches

“Hi Bart. Can I pick up my case of Shiraz Mourvedre or have you sold it like last time.”

I put on the exaggeratedly sour and suspicious face that is designed to signify humor to someone who does not know me well enough to be sure that I am only joking. Although. Although last year he did break open his last case and sell it off rather than hold it for me, so there is precedent for worry.

While he is calling downstairs for someone named Aleef to locate the case, I wonder if I really need to use the big “cartoon face” to signify sardony when I am in New York. God knows I need it in Connecticut where ordinary conversations must be accompanied by hammer blows to the skull and 90 decibel laugh tracks before anyone actually gets you. Here perhaps, just maybe, may I actually relax and assume that the guy who sells me wine can swallow the nuances of his customers without choking? What a luxury. (Fort Lauderdale offers social relief that is the flip side of this coin: there is no such thing as subtlety, so no one tries it, and no one expects it. Traffic is loud. Men are drunk, and the sun sits on your face like a fat whore smoking a cigarette on your dime.)

While Bart makes the call, I lean on the counter and look at the other three customers who seem to have convened at exactly the same time, and may be wondering who ought to be served next. They are three Typical Upper West Side Women. Thin, spectral, with cheekbones of defiance, and straight hair streaked in a way that makes me think that a pipe must have burst at their salons, drenching their dos mid-tint and ruining the intended color. They are dressed in ski garb of teal and plum and lime. Ms. Teal holds a bottle of George DeBeouf Beaujolais Nouveau. Ms. Plum holds a bottle of Red Truck, and Ms. Lime is grinding her teeth into her cell phone. They are impatiently chewing gum, and when they see that I am looking at them, they each perform an almost imperceptible adjustment of carriage that throws forward their well-tended breasts. I smile with amusement. They read appreciation.

When Bart puts down the phone, I turn around to face him.

“Do you have any organic Sardinian wine?”

He comes around from behind the counter and brings me to a rack just a few feet away.

“I don’t have any organic, but it’s funny you should mention it because I was thinking of ordering some. I do have these four from Sardinia. This one’s fine, oh, but this one, the Cannonau di Sardegna, now that is one big, great big mouthful of good wine.” He taps the bottle and raises his eyebrows.

“OK. I’ll try that one.”

While Bart returns to the counter to ring up the sale, I turn to face Teal, Plum and Lime who have been intently listening to every word of my transaction.

I look at the bottle of Red Truck that Plum has placed on the counter.

“Oh. Red Truck. Pretty color. The label, I mean.”

I look at the bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau, and then I look up into Teal’s face, hoping for an explanation. Finding none, I let the smile wordlessly fall off my face.

And now for the hat trick.

Lime wags a finger at Bart and at the bottle of Sardinian wine on the counter, and says into her cell, “Gimme one of those.”

“Sorry. He’s taking our last one.”

I turn to face her with a big Bette Davis cartoon face.

“I’d love ta invitcha over for a sip but my husband just washed his hair.”

Blarg Hopping

I'm not sure why we are announcing this, as it may result in what something like the arrival of a plague of locusts, but here's the news, lifted straight out of Joe.My.God, and we will all feel free to ignore the one cocktail per bar rule, as that is exactly what did me in during the Proto-Blarg-Hop of two weeks ago:

Event: Blarg Hop (blog + bar hop = blarg hop)
Date: Saturday, February 11th
Place: Christopher Street
Time: 10PM (22:00 hrs if you are Eric)
What: An old school bar crawl down Christopher Street
Who: A veritable cavalcade of gay bloggers and friends, including: Blather And Bosh, CircleInASquare, Diary Of A Dandy, Glennalicious, Ham & Cheese On Wry, Joe.My.God., Perge Modo, Plastic Music, PogueGO, Robocub, Someone In A Tree, The Ninth Circle Of Helen, Tin Man, The Mark Of Kane, VelleityNYC, We Like Sheep and doubtlessly some others. Bloggers interested in joining us, email me to add your name here.
Itinerary: (We start at Pieces at 10pm. The bars will be visited in the following order, at least one cocktail per bar, but we allocate no specific duration to any venue in case they like, suck and stuff.)
1. Pieces - 8 Christopher Street
2. Stonewall - 53 Christopher Street
3. Duplex - 61 Christopher Street
4. The Monster - 80 Grove Street*
5. Boots & Saddles - 76 Christopher Street
6. Ty's - 114 Christopher Street
7. The Hangar - 115 Christopher Street
8. Chi-Chiz - 135 Christopher Street
9. Dugout - 185 Christopher Street
Feel free to join us. Mike P of Blather & Bosh will be audioblogging the event for his podcast, and there will be copious photographic records made of the entire, sure to be sordid, affair. And of course, we will all post hungover recaps on Sunday. But probably not too early.
* Yes, we know that The Monster is not on Christopher, but it's close enough and too legendary to ignore. Marie's Crisis gets no such dispensation.

new fl

new fl, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Just before the downpour, we stood on our terrace wondering who would own a boat this big and why. How much do these things cost, and how many people are required as crew? Pointing out the largest of them, C guesses twenty million. I guess lower. Maybe five million. We have no clue, and we have no desire for it. Something smaller and inflatable maybe. Once, on a lake in the Bershires, C and I had sex in an inflatable raft as the yellow plastic paddles floated away from us.

You'd miss this. We will all miss this.

old fl, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Old Fort Lauderdale was composed of exactly this sort of visual moment. New development is obliterating all traces of the past as parcels are assembled to allow for glass towers. Walking or driving across the draw bridge on East Sunrise, you'd barely notice this place down twenty feet at the level of the old road before the bridge was built. Oh well.

shadow face

shadow face, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Here's another photo C got last Saturday while I was still asleep. It's Central Park West, a block or two up from us. The shadow of the street light does form a sort of animal face. Sort of conjures the Pink Panther, I think.

under bow bridge

under bow bridge, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Sometimes C gets out of bed before me and goes for a pre-coffee trudge in Central Park. Sometimes he comes back with pics in the cam. Here's one he took last Saturday. A place we've photographed a million times and crossed two million times, but for some reason, this photo stood above the usual ones as a beacon to memory of the place. This bridge leads to the Ramble, at night.

Townhouse, O.W., Web & Escualita

Let me just say that keeping up with

The Unsinkable One

and

The Fascinating One

is not easy, but great fun.

Saturday night, we embarked on an anthropological tour of “Venues-Usually-Eschewed”. We were minus C who wisely remained abed to shed the remnants of a cold, anticipating our trip to Fort Lauderdale this coming thursday.

We started at The Townhouse. The glowing peach-colored walls. The many huge vases of pink star gazer lilies (real, not fake). The lively piano in the farthest room. The clean bathroom. The humane noise level. And most of all, the huge crowd of patrons. To say that they were “of all ages” would be accurate and rather kind.

I have hesitated long and hard before saying this, but the place (despite the piano) reminded me of a funeral parlor during a very bubbly wake. And yet, it was oddly cruisey (except for the quasi-corpses seated on the banquette near the piano. Do not look there.). 10PM and the place was mobbed. Everyone was dressed for real life. No fetish wear, but as Joe reminded me later in the evening, RuPaul once said that we are all born naked and the rest is drag.

I was standing at a urinal in the bathroom when a Townhouse staff person came in and tidied up a bit, using his broom to tamp down the paper towels brimming over the top of the trash can. He discreetly did not look at me. I said out loud, “Wow. No one ever cleans the bathroom at the Eagle”. This provoked a look in my direction that seemed to imply that I had used a curse word in church. Joe announced that we were leaving, and I screamed “No. I haven’t seen everyone yet, and we haven’t talked to anyone yet. We need to stay here all night. Maybe forever.” It was as though I was Jason and the sirens’ call had gotten to me. The Argonauts, Joe and Aaron, dragged me out the door to safety.

I need to also report that the dancer boys at The Web (or was it at O.W.?) and at Escualita were really fine. Especially the guy at Escualita with the humongous swaying dick that was encased in what I thought was a red and blue hand-painted condom. Joe corrected me, saying that he was wearing a “banana hammock” and that anyone can order one on the net. Maybe so, but not everyone could wear one as well as that boy did. I sure hope Joe posts the photos (maybe even the video) he took of that particular event.

I made the mistake of trying to keep pace beer-wise with Joe. Never again. I stumbled out of the bathroom at Escualita and everything seemed close and distant all at once. I tried to locate Joe and Aaron, and they might have been two feet in front of me, but I didn’t see them. The extremely young crowd just arriving parted for me as I climbed the stairs to the exit in a sort of zigzag pattern. At least I think they parted for me.

A Campaign

A campaign for the custody of my soul
Is waged with greed by the prattling ranks of daylighters who
Nag,
And with pleasure by the relaxing athletes of midnight who
Know.

I daily toss the coin at midcourt on my own behalf,
And covering the results with a palm,
Shout out “heads!” or “tails!” to suit desire or for laughs.

This crusade is sometimes ugly
In the irritable sun of headlines, arrests and padlocked doors
Where spectators include false friends crammed with the fat of envy.

They are eating popcorn in their beds,
While watching my events on wide screen,
Taking notes, they telephone each other, seeing red.

But I am riveted to those other men,
Sturdy as metal bridges over big black water,
I cross them in danger, in darkness,

Learning how they are constructed, and following their curves
I wonder if their span is doomed, will fail me, kill me.
I sleep it off at dawn, this fearing of the worst.

When I am old, this match will rage without me.
Then, I may seek peace with those whose Christmas cards stopped coming.
Confined to my chair, who cares? I’ll take their penance easily.

As usual, I want it all.
The sin of now, the cheers, the loss of blood,
The come-backs from the falls.

And if I walked out on my game before the clock is run,
Jumping bed to bed to outpace all my creditors,
Won’t God himself say what I’d have become?

A dated trophy perched near the coaches’ rants,
I spoil the team I wish to see retreat,
and grant the field to those I wish advanced.

I am too close to the action of my contest,
I topple, shatter and the soldiers run me over
Forgetting why they wanted me, they take no rest.

Best Gay Blog of 2005

Do take a moment and go

here

not just to vote for "Farmboyz" in the Best Gay Blog of 2005 category, (or for Joe.My.God. in the Best Popular Gay Blog of 2005 category, or for CircleinaSquare for Best New Gay Blog) but also to sample some of the other rather extraordinary lives belonging to so many really hot men.

So little time for it all.

PS: what are we to make of the fact that someone's google search for "Asian locker room" brought them to Perge Modo on the same day that someone else's search for "bimbo butt bang" also brought them here? Ecco la mia vita; come sono caduto in baso.

Brokeback Mountain

Last night, “Brokeback Mountain” opened in New York. All showings were sold-out, and although we had tickets and arrived early, we could not find two adjacent seats. I scanned the crowd wondering who all these people were who wanted to see two cowboys in love.I would estimate the crowd to have been 95% straight and rather young. During the previews, a recruitment ad for the National Guard was shown. It contained comments from enlistees who gushed about how “wunnerful it is to serve Amurka in the Guard”. This was greeted by some clever anti-war-in-Iraq shouts from the crowd that had everyone laughing. They seemed liberal, but I began to worry about how they would react during the love scenes we were probably about to see in the feature. My worries proved needless, and the highest tribute I can pay to this extremely fine movie is that everyone in the theater was spellbound by it from start to finish.

See it.

Do not read any reviews before you see it. Especially avoid Stephen Holden’s review in the New York Times. It is downright stupid for a reviewer to tell his readers the story of the movie, to outline the plot, more or less, and to disclose the happy, sad, ambiguous, redemptive, win or lose ending to any movie. I prefer not to know what happens until I see it happen. For this reason, I stopped reading that review after a few paragraphs, and I am glad I did.

Without causing harm, I can tell you that everything about this movie is almost perfectly rendered, but as C and I walked out of the theater we were both surprised by our mutual wondering about one odd scene. It involved a lingering close-up of the back of Jack’s hand. There seemed to be wide discolorations on his skin. Were they lesions? If so, nothing before or after that shot related in any way to the spots we both noticed. We think it was accidental. To be sure, I may read Annie Proulx’s novella to see if there is some reference that was almost entirely edited out of the film, with one shot accidentally remaining. I’ll be curious to know if anyone else notices or can explain this.

See it.

The Prey

C and I and

Joe. Our. God.

were en ville and at the convivially crowded Barrage on Saturday night. We stood at the angle near the Suzy-homemaker DJ, and huddled over our three beers on the bar. Without warning, a sallow-eyed fellow with badly shaped black hair framing taciturn features hanging over thin shoulders under the oppression of a dark long-coat inserted himself with this line:

"Excuse me. Mind if I join you? I just got robbed and I don't want to be alone right now."

Before finishing this announcement, he boldly placed his drink on the bar in the center of our three beers as if to nail down his positioning.

Joe's eyes turned a glowing red as he sniffed fresh blog meat, and he asked the man where it had happened.

I, with the scepticism of Judge Judy, narrowed my view of this critter, wondering how he had purchased a big ole drink if he had just been robbed, and why his announcement rang with the indifference of someone channel-surfing through an evening of CSI reruns.

The surprise reaction however was from C who is ordinarily compassionate and benevolent in his acceptance of the premises of confidence men everywhere. Without a moment's hesitation, he said "Yes".

The guy seemed surprised by this, but chose to ignore it. C persisted.

"Actually, yes, we do mind if you join us."

The guy silently retrieved his drink and wandered back into the crowd in search of better victims.

This left Joe mildly chagrined, and it left me with a strong desire to claim that I had to piss, pretend to head toward the bathroom but run back home to post this before Joe had a chance to deliver his iteration.

Really, we actually do have lives.

Our children

DSC02259, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Ten years ago, C tossed me a fun assignment. He had a client who wanted some "wild art" for their corporate headquarters in Connecticut. In those days, I was totally absorbed with Photoshop which was not the yawn it is today. Nine hours playing with Photoshop felt to me like five minutes.

I met with the VP assigned to design the work space. He told me that I could do anything I wanted to do except that he didn't want any photos of "men blowing dogs". I told him that restriction would eliminate three quarters of my portfolio. We laughed and I knew we'd be OK.

C installed about a dozen different floor-to-ceiling images. This one is my favorite. It is a composite of photos of gargoyles from the Southam Building in Montreal, a background that is a close-up of the root ball from a Clivia that we were transplanting, a building we loved in the Jardin de Luxembourg in Paris, and some hydrangeas from the farm. I was particularly ecstatic when I managed to "light" the tops of the columns of the building which were actually a dull verdigris, and to create an artificial smoke and glow from inside the building.

These photos were taken last week. I was surprised that the restless and clever employees of this software company had not doctored or defaced the images over the past ten years. No changes in ten years, right down to the furniture placement. The images still entertain in a way that makes words on a screen seem as dry and ephemeral as maple leaves decomposing underfoot on a busy sidewalk..

Book of the Dead

DSC02258, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

I learned at our walk-through that this image would be installed in an area of file cabinets. I took some photos of the banks of cabinets in my own office, collided them, and combined them with some photos of text from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. I was, in those days, fond of invoking Ra at the beach in Ptown using the correct incantations found in this book. It kept the rain away.

for the bosses

DSC02251, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

This is in the Executive Wing. The execs didn't like the first image I had selected for them that C had installed. They felt it looked "bloody" and "disturbing". I replaced it with this one, which is a composite of autumn hosta from C's shade garden and a photo of a green row boat in the harbor where we would walk with our morning coffee near our Ptown house. It's more L.L. Bean. They liked it.

We need more time.

We need more time.

JohnCardinalWright

JohnCardinalWright, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Here we are escorting (hoisting) the massive and brilliant John Cardinal Wright out the door of a banquet hall in Rome on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, December 8, 1973. I’ll call my classmate on the left Ned. We met on the Rafaello as it left New York on a sunny August afternoon. We were immediate friends and spent the entire seven day crossing on deck chairs calling for drinks. Ned taught me how to drink gin: it is a clear beverage and must be approached with the same hospitality afforded water. When Ned announced as we passed through the Straits of Gibraltar that he had dated Cybil Shepard in high school, my awe was boundless and I knew that we were in for constant adventure.

In Rome, our rooms overlooked clay courts and I insisted that Ned and I take up tennis. Ned agreed, and found that by carrying the balls in his shorts, he could fill the cannister with a healthy gin and tonic, and, turn heads on the way to our game.

I don’t remember the details of my first six months in Rome. Over the Christmas holiday, Ned and I were to tour Vienna, Salzburg and Munich by train with three other classmates. The two of us celebrated the day with extreme verve, and our companions were forced to pack our bags for us, and to cart us to the station that evening to commence the vacation. I woke up somewhere in the Alps to the sound of Ned shrieking as he rummaged through his suitcase. What they had packed for him was not the problem, as his clothing was all impeccable. What they had neglected to include made him distraught. I joined the wailing when I discovered that my own bag did not contain a hairdryer and that no one else had packed one. In those days, I had the kind of hair that needed a sustained and well-aimed shot of hot dry air to create the tossably feathered and straightened chestnut shag that I felt was owed the continent. Luckily, the bathroom in the seminary in Vienna had a hot air hand dryer that saved the day. It was mounted low upon the wall. Ned and I knelt under it having a religious moment that the Viennese seminarians found curious. In order to survive the rest of the trip, while our companions dutifully inspected art, Ned and I visited several Viennese furriers and purchased cloudlike hats of lush and radiant animal pelts. I’d be broke for the rest of the trip, but fabulously.

I returned to Rome with the realization that I was not constructed for gin. I could not keep up with Ned, and so I gave it up. A glass of Orvieto bianco at pranzo and Rosso Antico on ice in the late hours were all I really wanted. Ned and I grew apart.

A few years later, as I was dressing for the sacrament that, if in fact it actually took, would end my life as a seminarian, Ned stopped by to bestow a hug and a kiss and wishes. He sat on the bed while I applied a bronzer guaranteed not to streak even under perspiration. He confessed that he hadn’t been around much during the last three years because he was being kept by a jealous young Italian doctor. He wondered if I had known that, and if he had been the object of quiet and long-term gossip. Nope. News to me, you lucky dog.

His own ordination followed several months later, after our return to the States. We saw each other once more at a reunion, after which our lives were entirely disconnected. One day, rectory phones around the country were white hot with news. My classmate in Iowa was the first to reach me. It seemed that Ned, discontent with the décor of the church to which his bishop had assigned him, burned it to the ground and announced to the parish that proceeds from insurance would provide them with a gorgeous new house of worship. He was soon uncovered, having rather botched the deed, and he now resides in an ecclesiastical prison that exclusively houses criminal priests. Know that the inmates of this place are not there because of sexual misconduct. They are men who have mishandled money, a far greater crime in the eyes of the Church.

Sometimes I look at this photo and see only the face of John Cardinal Wright.

In the summer of 1975, I ran an office for visitors to the Vatican. Every morning, Cardinal Wright would slowly and painfully cross the piazza on the arm of his handsome secretary (now a prominent American archbishop). I would come to the door of my office to greet him with a faux-fawning "Buongiorno, Eminenza". He would pause for a few words, always full of delicious sarcasm and clever delivery. I adored him. Another classmate once told me that he had modeled his entire ministry on the advice of John Cardinal Wright who held that the best priests are always theologically conservative while socially liberal and entirely forgiving. I don’t suppose he’d much approve of how I turned out, but I made a finer go of it than Ned, didn’t I, and in the end, he’d still hug our shoulders close to him, laughing as we groaned under his weight.

We need more money.

We need more money.

Sunday night spectacular

We have often traveled with friends who look forward to sitting at a bar, looking up at boyish men who dance for their dollars.

I have never quite understood the allure. If, for instance, Montreal is the destination, why pay to see what can be had so readily for free? The boys who dance there may be handsome, but no more so than the one who while serve you coffee, or the one across the terrace from your kitchen or the ones you will encounter at any one of the fourteen bath houses within walking distance. Certainly no one has ever stuffed a dollar in the jock of one of these boys because of their dancing skills which consist of dodging drinks underfoot while maneuvering a washcloth to offer various glimpses of body parts not seen on the street. Again, in Montreal, those parts are frequently seen on the street.

So what’s the deal? In Fort Lauderdale, I went to The Boardwalk with two friends of a certain age who, having filled their pockets with singles, made frequent marches up to the stage to express their appreciation of the dancers who each got no more than five minutes to perform before taking their bows and threading their way through the crowd, offering private dances in the back room. I ended the evening wondering if each of those friends would have gone into the back room on the hand of a dancer if he had been alone and unobserved by friends with telephones that talk to other mutual friends. I also found their knowledge of the fact that many of those dancers are straight and married to be disconcerting. This is prostitution set to bad music.

Given my rather high-handed disdain for this type of entertainment, you’ll be surprised to learn that I had a grand time in NYC on Sunday evening at an event featuring a slew of naked boys dancing on bars. Before I get to the details, I’ll establish the reason for my satisfaction. These boys (and let’s assume they were all at least eighteen years old) were engaging, in every way imaginable and seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. Unencumbered by jock straps, the only repository for dollars would have been their socks/boots, but they seemed more interested in snagging the admiration of the drinkers rather than their money, and that after all is what makes one of these boys worth looking at: the illusion that in a crowded room, he of the perfect young body only has eyes for you. They spun out their lines liberally, like spoiled fishermen casting about in a well-stocked lake. I doubt any of the fish went home without having received at least a few seconds of their undivided attention.

That brings me to the specifics. Twenty dollars got you through the door and up to an open bar between the hours of ten and eleven. The crowd sized itself up with satisfaction and the relieving realization that the downstairs dark area would not go to waste. We do not feel swindled, and the night has barely begun.

When the dancers emerge and mount the bar, I want to congratulate the producer of this event. These boys seem to have been picked at the exact moment of their finest flowering. They may never in their lives look this good again, and they almost seem to know it. Their skin glows under warm lighting. They are immediately comfortable with their postings, and were I a regular at other venues around town, I would probably recognize them and know that they are experienced beyond their years. I look for signs of drugs in their eyes but I do not find the usual edgy panic that always seems to fuel the East Side iterations of this type of event. They seem composed and eager to please. Their erections occur at a convincing pace, allowing the superb reversal in which the drinkers are made to feel like sex objects. So far, I am pleasantly on board with the evening, in the company of C, our houseguests and two favorite blogger friends whose descriptions of the evening I await.

Set free of not only the need for a jock strap but also the common boundaries of dancer behavior, these boys unleashed their personalities as well as their dicks, and obliterated any distance between their bodies and the patrons, squatting into open mouths and growing aroused by their own hands and by having sex with each other before an appreciative audience.

I liked a longhaired Hispanic with languid eyes, a wicked smile and a body that reminded me of the bronze Davids by Verrocchio and Donatello. At one point he stretched out on the bar with one knee bent, smiling benevolently at anyone who came forth to suck his dick.

This is the one feature of the event that I found distasteful. The dancers delivered too easy access to their genitals, and men got in line continuously to take a turn at sucking them. Some guys went from one line to the next as though they were at an all-you-can-eat buffet at a Las Vegas casino. The positioning of the dancers during this odd ritual reminded me of a meet-the-authors book-signing event at Barnes and Noble. The event producer would have done better to instruct the dancers to have contact with the patrons without suspending all movement. By granting stationary compliance with lines of eager mouths, each dancer became rather maternal, like a sow on its side, allowing its brood of piglets to feed rudely on its swollen teats.

Re-reading all of the above makes me suspect that any of you who were absent will probably wish you had been there to form your own impressions, and that those of you who invested your twenty bucks will question my exclusion of a description of what went on downstairs where a set of couches in the darkness broke many a fall. Another day perhaps.

New broom misses the old dirt

These clouds contain rain.

Unmasked, this is Benedict's effort to rid the American church of pedophile leadership. It shows the usual ignorance about these issues, but its side effects are chilling. The American church will shrink, becoming a relic. The priests ( synonym for gay priests) who are safely "grandfathered" by this witch hunt will reach a new level of disgust with their church and a heightened feeling of shame among their gay friends. This is what it must have felt like to live in Germany in the 1940's. The progressive clarification of where you stood, and the step-by-step clarification about what group could claim you as a member, would finally force you to choose one thing or another. No more ambiguity, no more toleration for a double standard, no more no-asking-no-telling. Either you wear the armband or not. There are consequences to this kind of clarification.

On the brighter side, most of my gay priest friends won't feel any of this anxiety. They won't be reading this article, won't know what's going on in the seminaries and won't hear about the ban on gay priests until next they visit us. They are too busy assembling new gear for the next Folsom Street.

The Times cruises a parking lot

I like

this story

.

The reporter got some things right and some things wrong, but he captures the experience in a wistful, almost sweet way, with only a residual hint of desire to "expose" the underbelly of gay cruising.

He got right:

a) The fact that the kids who are arriving with Mom for their games in the park are not being menaced by the gay men in their cars.

b) The fact that this activity has been going on for decades, often with the same group of attendees, some of whom even admit to having spent their entire youth trolling the same parking lot (that is a distressing topic for another time).

c) The fact that married men are the major benefactors of the lot.

d) The fact that these places provide socialization for older lonely gay men who form a sort of Greek chorus as they watch the desire under the elms.

He got wrong:

a) a missed opportunity to complete his report without once adopting the tone of someone seeking to expose something shocking. He is overly deliberate in his specificity about the exact location of the parking lot. It seems he wants the locals to go there and to upset the long-term peace between the various communities of the park and its lot.

b) the clear presentation of the married men as recipients of oral sex because they are not getting any at home or because they are bored. I am here to tell you that the married men (happy or otherwise) who are having sex at rest stops, public parks or gym shower rooms are giving as much oral sex as they are getting, and they are doing it because they like it.

Mandate

So,

The New York Times

is reporting that the Pope has mandated (a great word for him) a search of American seminaries for "evidence of homosexuality".

Hmmm. Statues of Mary? Check.
Long flowing brightly colored silk brocade garments? Check.
No girls? Check. Check . Check.

Actually, this witch hunt would be horrendous and distressing if it had been mandated decades ago when the seminaries were full and fully gay. Today, they are largely empty, and the inquisitors will have no more success than they had when their clipboards read "Weapons of Mass Destruction".

Further sad hilarity can be had when one realizes that any inspection team assembled by the Vatican or by the American Catholic clergy at the request of the Vatican will consist largely of gay men (i.e., those lazy fat old queens who never got out while they were young enough to do something else with their lives).

Evidence.

I may have left an empty bottle of poppers and an early issue of Details in the loo of a Benedictine seminary in southern Indiana.

Light for the last rose

les rayons ultimes, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

C took this photo of my regret about the passing of summer, while we waited for the elevator in our building.
Because I think "derniers" carries the sense of "next" sometimes, I don't want to refer to this as "Les derniers rayons de l'ete", or even "Les rayons derniers de l'ete". I suppose "Les rayons finals de l'ete" would be clear, but I really like "Les rayons ultimes de l'ete". Anyway, the summer sun has left milky white chevrons on top of my feet where it could not penetrate the skin shielded by the straps of my flip flops. I dread the entombment of my feet into winter shoes. Any French scholars with opinions?

Self Sabotage

He

said:

It's a monday morning and i am overwhelmed with doubts. I know doubts come with relationships, all of them - whether "mere" friendships, or the kind that involve sex, and shared secrets, and hopes for a life together. I know this, I have experienced it, and yet, now, right now, for the moment anyway, I doubt I am right for him. This is no time for "hey guy, you're cool, you're a great guy" etc. I am not writing this to get that reaction. I think I am writing this to flesh these jumbled up thoughts for myself, and the structure of making it semi-coherant here in 'public' might help. Friends can't answer the question of whether I am a nice guy, am i a smart-ass, am I too biting and sarcastic and downright rude sometimes. They don't have so much invested, they don't experience the worries and doubts that, well, lovers do. Perhaps ex-boyfriends can help me understand what it is about me that gives mixed signals - "i love you" vs. "leave me alone I'm not even awake yet" - OK, those are poor examples. But apparently somethings i do or say, or the manner in which i say or do them, are rude and hurtful. And it is vague, and I don't quite see it, and that there is the problem. It is not OK for me to conclude that it is his problem. That is never the right answer, no matter what the relationship is - if indeed you want it to continue and in fact get even better. But I am genuinely perplexed, and saddened by this dilemna. I want to fix it, yet i don't, honestly, know what I am doing wrong, and so can't begin to be better. I am overwhelmed and frankly, a bit frozen - worried about making more, and bigger mistakes. Doubting even the little nicenesses that I want to do on a whim because they may seem contrived, or calculated. This is not what he has said, but more my anxiety getting the better of me and just doubting everything for now (I hope it is just for now).



My comment:

When I met C, I had to clear the house in order to enter the relationship.

I had to move my closest friends, who arrived like clockwork every friday at 6PM and stayed for the weekend, out. I had to get through to them that the thing I really wanted had arrived, and that it would take their place. I handled this poorly, and those two people were hurt very deeply. (We are all three on speaking terms, but no longer close. They soon found love, and they are both in relationships that are just as long as mine.)

When C and I first moved in together, I was rude and irritable about a number of things. I guess I was nervous, more about myself than about him. I would mentally replay the tapes of things I said to him, and be mortified. He didn't seem to feel them half as much as I did. This was a surprise and a relief to me. When he behaved badly, I made so much noise about it, you'd think I had been crucified.

And then, luckily, time passed, and we were able to correct the foolishness in order to save the goodness of being together.

Time passed! So wonderfully, we survived ourselves.

Something in your words reminded me of me. I hope you will have also some of my other qualities - the redeeming ones - that will see you through this moment.

The problem with blogging

The problem with blogging is the allure of speed.
We are tempted to post without previewing our words.
We are tempted to comment everywhere and about everything, like drunken bees, like cocktail-fueled dilettanti, like shoppers who caress but do not buy.
Addicted to the sugar of any strong headline, we begin to stop conjuring, and opt for reacting to the spark of other fires.
We sell our own furniture and begin to reside in the rooms of others.

Central Park Proposal

DSC01792, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

This man has just proposed marriage to this woman at the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park. The waiter brought her two chocolate cupcakes iced with the words of proposal. "Will you" on one. "Marry Me" on the other. Her boyfriend got down on his knees by the table. She accepted him, and the crowd applauded.

Does one propose en publique to help insure a "yes"? Does a woman receiving a public proposal say yes for fear of creating a disturbing common memory, knowing that she can always rescind? What if she had said "This is so sweet...I'm overwhelmed. I need some time to think." the cupcakes would have tasted like vinegar. What would she have worn, if she had known in advance?

On the shore beyond the boats (you can't see it, blocked by her head) is a bride and groom having their wedding photos taken next to the Bethesda Fountain.

These two seem to be happily accepting their place in Time, while we happily accepted our third set of Ketel One Bloody Marys (Hey. We had to wait an hour for the table, OK?)

The newly engaged couple shared one cupcake, and then she explained to the waiter that she wanted to keep the second one. maybe they'll eat it on their anniversary. Maybe it'll someday be dumped with the trash, put out in front of their brownstone as we walk by on a Sunday morning, looking into the windows of other people's lives. Stats say it's a 50/50.

The Bethesda Fountain

DSC01799, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

My Sennelier oil pastels melting in the sun of a sultry weekend.

The summer of 1977

David Thorstad recently wrote to David McReynolds:

David,
Your summary is accurate, based on what I have experienced.† Here's one
more anecdote:
†
In summer 1977, after the Anita Bryant antigay victory in Dade County,
Florida, New York's Gay Activists Alliance, Lesbian Feminist
Liberation, Church of the Beloved Disciple, and others organized a
protest in Sheridan Square, which continued, without a permit, some
6,000 strong, up Sixth Avenue.† I was one of the organizers, and walked
at the head of the march.† The rear saw cops in pigmobiles actually
ramming slightly marchers in the back end of the march. Around 36th
Street or so, all of a sudden, I saw†the Workers World contingent try
one of the ploys it used frequently during the antiwar movement:† As a
group, they rushed to take over the front of the march.† I yelled at
them to "Get the fuck out of here!†This is a gay march!" They did, and
moved farther back.
††† This was clearly a planned and staged effort to take over the front
of the march, presumably so their banner would be sure to be
photographed, and, misleadingly, give the impression that they were
leading the protest. They were not.
Best,
David

When I thanked David McReynolds for sharing so much gay history with us in his frequent group e-mails, he asked me if I was in that march.

In the summer of 1977, I was just back from four years in Rome. I purchased packets of Rit dye to mix in the bath tub in order to achieve the right tones of salmon, acqua and olive drab needed on my tee shirts, to offset my white painters jeans and web belts. I picked up Mark, my classmate from Oakland California, at the airport, in my brand new white MGB. I had one task left before we officially embarked on our vacation in Ptown. The next morning, I delivered a sermon entitled "Maria Goretti, Model of Virtue". We drove to Ptown with the top down, tape deck screaming. Absolutely, sweetly, blissfully nothing in our heads. We were young. We were pretty. We were precious.

I wonder what everyone else was doing that summer (C says he was at Bible Camp).

C in Exit Art

DSC01738, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

I get dragged by C to so many galleries when what I really want to do is take a nap, but they are inevitably engaging, as was this installation at Exit Art (475 Tenth Avenue). The artist invited participation, so C entered into it and I held the camera. His shirt clashed with the orange flooring, so I asked for its removal. (The director of the gallery, Jeanette Ingberman has great and copious hair.)

New York City Pride 2005

pride 2005, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

bulging with Pride

pride 2005, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

This lady cop was such a good sport. The guy with the matching body walked the whole length of the parade with a flag in his ass. Something to tell his grandchildren.

???

pride ???, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

We are at the NYC Pride parade. This creature and his comrades are pushing the envelope of post-modern demonstration in which symbols are drained of meaning, and all that remains is a vague desire for liposuction or heatstroke.

homocorps @ CBGB

CBGB bathroom, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

We attended the final edition of Dean Johnson's Homocorps @ CBGB on NYC Pride weekend. We had to see the bathroom one more time before they close this place. We are accompanied by a blogger in a yellow jock. He's on my blog roll. Guess which one.

Doing my part

OK. This is to the reader in the Pentagon who goes from here to Joe.My.God:

I am available as a consultant to your organization. I specialize in the design, installation and management of permanent and/or temporary shower room facilities for the military. Because I am patriotic, I offer this service for free and am willing to share lodging with my clients. Please e-mail me (farmboyz@mac.com) for a brochure that includes my recently patented and popular soap dispenser which is wall-mounted just two inches above the shower room floor. Very ADA compliant.

Also, while Joe and I are glad to keep your Pentagonal workdays lively, we are not sure whether your attention will land us in the Lincoln bedroom or a federal pen.

(I know the Lincoln bedroom is not in the Pentagon, but maybe he's got connegshuns.)

folsommmm

folsommmm, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

We ran into a friend, Enrico Vega (left). He has graduated from starring in porn to making his own movies. He introduced us to Manuel Torres (right) who is the man of the moment on video. Manny, a nurse aspirant, spoke of the evisceration of fantasy that comes with sexual achievement, a topic close to my heart. He's likable, and C, who turned into Gidget at the sight of him, finds him quite doable. OK, so do I. He's rather an Hispanic George Clooney. (The guy in the middle looks so familiar. I think he blogs. I don't have his name.)

folsomadonna

folsomadonna, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

We stood behind this man in the line to get into the Eagle. His ink was problematic. I tapped him on Mary's forehead. "Excuse me, but weren't there seven swords of sorrow that pierced the heart of the Madonna? There's only six here."
He smiled. "The last one is somewhere else on me."

folsomacabre

folsomacabre, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

There are no words

folsomummy

folsomummy, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

We went to Folsom Street East on Sunday (West 28th St). Great fun, but there were moments when we visited some of the far outposts of the gay family where dwell folks with whom we have little in common.

We love our Harry

Harry sends us email like no others. We miss him. He's long since left these parts for San Francisco, where he moved in with an ex-Colt model and really nice guy with whom he has formed a new life.
I met Harry several years ago in the Macho bar in Provincetown at the height of peak season. C was in NYC for a few days, and I, left to my own devices, was out for Montage. (Sorry, I'll define that sometime in the future). The place was a testosteroom of hot shirtless desire. Harry stood in the front rank of the standing-beer-armed soldiers. His smoldering hispanic looks caught my eye immediately. We fell into each other and for nearly an hour and a half, made-out cinematically (think of Moulin Rouge. We must have looked hot. The next day, friends and strangers complimented me on our display and the provoked envy). We ended up back at my house and slightly before dawn, Harry left.

Six hours later, when I awoke, he was sitting on a chair by the bed.

This was odd. I never locked the doors in Ptown, but I have never had a trick return that soon, and without the usual mechanisms of invitation and response. He had made coffee in the kitchen, and despairing over my possible resolution to sleep out the entire day, was writing me a long note while he sat by the bed.

I reached over and snatched the note from his hands and read it aloud. That was my first experience of Harry's tendency to write beautifully long, elaborate and fearless notes. Harry doesn't need to edit himself because his instincts (trained by an earlier career in theater) are perfect. Here is his latest to us, written after he read the Spes Messis in Semine series: (Oh , and Harry, I still have that first note, and C sends his love, and we are hoping you guys will come east soon. We'll be staying with Bob and Peter during Carnivale week in Ptown. Game?)

from Harry:

Dearest _____ - - I was compelled to write after reading some of your entries on life in the seminary. Needless to say, it triggered long forgotten memories - (cue background pipe organ music and a filtered lense montage accompanied by chords from a distant harp...) from a lifetime ago. I was overwhelmed by one particular occasion - a memory stemming from the sensation of a stiff and bleached white collar fastened tightly by the gaudiest of red faux bow ties. I remember how the collar chaffed against my neck, almost unbearable in the summer heat. Beads of sweat rolled down my back forming tiny rivulets hidden under the bulky weight of red and white vestments. Normally they would flow and billow in a passing breeze but that day they were still as if wilted under the heat. Sweat ran down my shoulders and arms, down to my wrist. In my grip dangled a gold plated censer swinging lazily from a taunt, discolored chain. Faint white smoke floated in delicate spirals from cross shaped holes and at times was obsured by the beams of colored sunlight shooting through stained glass. The droning organ music, combined with the humidity and my nervous energy, made it impossible to focus. I was nervous. This was my first time and I wondered how it would go. Contemplating the growing number of possibilities, I managed to turn my attention down the aisle without drawing any focus on myself. I looked past the rows of pews filled with my classmates and the rest of the school, just beyond the Sixth Station of the Cross near the confessionals. There he was. He stepped into his ensemble with methodical percision. It seemed as if he was visible only to me. The door was opened part of the way but he was framed perfectly against the dark word paneling. Even from my vantage point I see how he would tower over me, he was well over 6 feet with the lanky legs of a basketball player and the visage of an early Chuck Conners (sans the deranged stare and, sadly, sans a shirtless, hemp rope bound William Conrad in tow). He was younger than most clergymen I had seen and an affable man whose hearty laugh and kind eyes endeared the hardest of hearts. There had been rumors he was married at one time which wasn't hard to believe. Even under the bulk of his cassock and vestments, you could still follow the contour of his large body, the fabric hugging and draping the rise and fall of his generous chest, the curve of his back. He had the figure of the ideal woodsman, broad shouldered with arms that yearned to burst from his shirt sleeves, with tufts of dark hair peeking through his short sleeves giving him a hint of primal energy. He moved with equal grace and precision despite his long legs. On the warm days when he was not dressed for mass, I would look forward to seeing him in his summer blacks. There was the aforementioned short sleeve shirt framing his handsome upper body but it was his pants which were the highlight of my midday treat. His pants could barely contain the two physical attributes which forever cemented the memovy of Father Rock: his thighs had the girth of tree trunks and he was blessed with an outline of a bulge so prominent one could safely conclude he was gifted with a prodigious endowment. puffing slowly, intently on last time before he would have to extinguish his treasure stogie. I saw his ice baby blues narrow behind his gold rimmed aviator sunglasses, his fat cigar jutting from his supple lips. Was he grinning? I couldn't tell without leaning forward and squinting and inevitably draw attention to me. He finished slipping into his knee high black boots (...just buffed and polished by Sister Agathe Ignacia - a gargoyle of a woman but a fierce boot black) and he was threading the final strap of his harness. The final touch to this exercise was the captain's hat which sat with the slight tilt, his chestnut mane concealed in favor of the stark conformity of worn leather, dulled chains and his exposed skin. Draped arms that welcomed congregants to prayer on Sunday were now a visceral display of long milkly white arms and even from I stood I see the biceps flex and release as he slipped on the gloves. Gone was the crucifix. Now there rested a metallic ring anchoring the harness and framing his sternum. And there were his chest, defined even in partial light The cindered glow grew brighter as he turned and he beckoned me closer with a gloved hand. Commandant Rock was ready. He picked up a riding crop as I began my slow approach. My throat was dry and yet I managed to swallow. Still nervous. On that day "Make me channel of your peace" lost its hallowed earnestness and took on a more sinister application...

An unknown soldier

Would the soldier (you're in Bagdad or maybe Moscow judging by the time zone marker) who daily reads this blog and then goes to Joe.My.God. please email me. I have so many questions. farmboyz@mac.com

diversion

Because several clergy friends are privately conveying their admission about following the Spes Messis in Semine business, I'm going to take a few days to edit the next parts for accuracy.
Meanwhile, here's part one of "You Again" which announced itself after I got in at 5AM Saturday. PS, having entered "one of those places" in midtown, I walked past a rack of videos, one of which caught my eye. It was entitled "That Touch of Twink". This put a winning smile on my face as I passed through the turnstile.

What can this mean?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

seminary

, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

When we walk out onto our deck at dawn before work, or at dusk when we return, this is part of the generous panorama that will make it hard for us to abandon this spot, this home of ours, built from scratch a few years back. This picture does not include the city skyline, or the old farm silos or the ancient cemetery or the village of homes just below us, but it does show you the Gothic tower of the seminary in which I lived for six years, on the edge of a valley cut by what the Indians called "the long tidal river". I was a little boy. All of fourteen. Ready for anything that would take me away. Story to follow.

Come sono caduto in baso

We drive into the city listening to Tears for Fears' Beatlesian "Sowing the Seeds of Love". The song ran itself onto a sandbar just beneath my forehead for the rest of the night. As we walked into Barrage, the bridge was on continuous loop: "Time to eat all your words, swallow your pride, open your eyes". Rather appropriate for an event built around words, and the seeing of the guys behind them. (God, will I ever be free of this homiletic style?)

In somma, if I were a single gay man looking for a boyfriend, Ida bin at Barrage on Friday night to dive into a fine combination of brain and brawn. As a five star yenta, that'll be my best advice from now on. Husband hunters should read blog, follow what fits and then stalk the hell out of a love object.

Really, I wanted only to dispel the rumor that Perge Modo is written by the retired big band singer Margaret Whiting, propped up on a Florida-based sofa, and transcribing snippets of letters left behind by her deceased husband, porn star Jack Wrangler. (If you check out Joe's blue-light-special photos of the event, you can see quite plainly that this blog is written by Rasputin and Alice B. Toklas. Seriously, I love that photo of C and me.)

We got to meet and touch the steamy Tolkienesque Aaron, the Watch-out-Bruce-Vilanch hot Joe, the velvet BJ (whom we have already touched many times in the icky way) the dewy and alluringly handsome Myoclonus and that very bad boy from Philadelphia with whom I re-enacted in the bathroom the steamroom scene from Thunderball. He's the hottest, cuttest, sweettest, and I'm-sure-to-never-hear-from-him-again-ist guy in this hemisphere. Oh well, I don't think anyone was damaged. The band width of the attendees didn't really allow for damage; only for celebration.

Aside: the guys who kept their jackets on were the non-bloggers. One of them, a short lean guy who turned out to be Pakistani (who should have been resting up for a run at Belmont) and spun out some tale about only being Out for a few months, was deliberately not helpful when my hand got stuck beyond his waistband. He had the enviable ability to keep his dick hard while conversing about housewares. There. I used the word "dick" in this post just to play to the person who told me that my blog is "borderline porn". That was the only surprising moment of the night. I don't remember who said it. I don't watch or read much porn. My stuff is more of an effort to record what no one else is willing even to discuss, like the fact of sex with married guys at the gym. I never think of it in terms of titillation. I plan to think more about that. But who has time? They have introduced hanging plastic dividers at Siberia on Saturdays. It was only a matter of time. I surrender to the venues of my age.

Melody of Love

For reasons unknown, some of my fave bloggers are writing about music these days, and so, not one to drop my oar, I offer the following which has been simmering within me since the colder months.

All last winter, at the Club Fort Lauderdale, they played the same four songs endlessly and repeatedly and loudly. At first, I was glad for the fact that these songs had replaced J Lo reminding us that she's just Jenny from the Block which was the previous mantra that filled those halls. It was annoying because, in fact, none of those present were just Jenny from the block, although on occasion, with the right piece in one's hand, the lyric "I used to have a little now I got a lot" did seem to make some sense.

The Four Inevitables, as I referred to them in my unheeded complaints to the manager, were

"Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney, which contains the words "I don't want another pretty face". Those of us who sang along while sauntering or posing were outright liars.

"True" by Ryan Cabrera, which contains the words "I've waited all my life to be with you". Another terrific lie. Most of us in that place would wait longer for an ATM to spit out twenty bucks than we would for the attentions of the next man to come around the corner.

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, featuring the constant phrase "I walk alone". This choice was only partially absurd. I did occasionally walk alone, usually while exiting someone's room and wiping my hands along the walls on my way to the showers. That moment, however, did not capture the existential yearning intended by the Green Day.

"I'm With You" by Avril LaVigne. Finally a tolerable anthem for many of those evenings. Ms. LaVigne commences with the words "It's a damn cold night" which was certainly true of Fort Lauderdale during its last unusually frigid high season, and when she wails "Take me by the hand...I don't know who you are but I'm with you", well there just wasn't a dry dick in the place.

I once read that "Chocolate Cake" by Crowded House was first a hit in the bath houses of Australia, and that the Finn brothers took this as a fine compliment. I wonder if Captain and Tennille would have felt the same if they had heard me whistling "Do that to me one more time" while walking the halls of the Sloane House YMCA many years ago. I liked the fact that there was no music piped into the halls of that wonderful place. Some guys, using a shoe to prop open the door, indicating an interest in the reception of guests, had radios that might catch your ear as you passed, but not in the agressive way that the speakers mounted overhead in most bath houses deliver divas where you just don't want them.

Next career: traveling bath house music consultant. So easy to pack. Won't even need the overhead bin.

Fortune

As we were getting into bed last night, C. said, "Do you realize that I have spent the majority of my life with you?"

"No. I hadn't really thought of that but I guess it's true, isn't it?" After a few seconds, I added, "Are you happy?"

Without hesitation, with eyes closed and forehead scrunched against my shoulder, he smiled and vigorously nodded yes.

"Well I've spent the majority of my life with you too", I announced.

"No you haven't", he murmured, "Unless you've been lieing about your age."

"Sweet, if I were going to lie about my age, I certainly wouldn't have been padding it all these years, would I? I'm simply discounting and subtracting those years of my early childhood in which I was obsessed with and desired only sapphires, leopard skin and Troy Donahue. I think it's only fair to let me bundle up and sequester those years in the way that a freed prisoner might sidestep his time of incarceration while making cocktail chat, or an ex-addict might set-aside his pre-clean years or the way someone coming out of a coma might box up the years of oblivion and refer to them as a separate and distinct life. And incidentally, you would think that by now someone would have bought me at least a small sapphire, but no, I remain unadorned, like the last unpurchased Christmas tree on the street corner, late on the 24th, destined for blinglessnessdom."

It took me three tries to get that last word out correctly. Put the blame on the meds I am taking for the pain of my recent back injury (see below). C. missed the whole of my ramble for he had fallen asleep within seconds of closing his eyes. This is his way, and mine as well, for more than twenty years. At various times in the course of the night we will twist and turn, always making sure that some parts of our bodies are touching.

I have lost almost all the jewelry I have ever owned.

I am allergic to cats.

There is definitely no room for Troy in this bed.

"I'm happy too", I whispered into the top of his head.

A Plenary Indulgence

By way of follow up to my mention of the indulgence to be gained by correctly receiving Ratzie's Urbe et Orbe blessing, I offer the following interchange with a Monsignor who knows all this stuff. He once taught me the words to Wallis Simpson's favorite hymn entitled "Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown?"

Dear_______,
What kind of indulgence does one get for receiving the first U et O
blessing of a new Pope?

Is it valid via CNN, or does one have to have gotten it through Fox News?

Seriously, what's the indulgence attached to it? Do you have to hear it
live? Via TV OK? Aside from having to be disposed to the indulgence,
what are the requisite prayers that must also be said in order to make
it work?

Dear ____________,

It is plenary -- and even over the radio or TV. However, one has to be in a
state of grace, and free of "any attachment" at that current instant to
venial sin. Since I think neither of us can claim the "any attachment"
part, any indulgence we received from receiving the blessing would be
"partial," rather than plenary, and God would deliver, based upon our good
will. So there!

Benedict XVI

There won't be much of a honeymoon. The faithful have already been forced into bed with this guy for decades, and it hasn't been fun. There's something in his smile that betrays his relishment of the role of Grand Inquisitor. He tried to twist that smile into something conveying Benevolent Pastor as he presented himself on the balcony for the Urbe et Orbe blessing (which, big time sinners take note, is good for a whooping big indulgence). Think formulaic Hollywood: the seemingly nice man smiles upon his victim revealing the bloodied fangs of a vampire. My body hair stood up as I received this blessing. It was cold and unGodly.

I hear that he has said quite plainly that he will not mind the shrinkage of the Roman Catholic Church due to conservative adherence to doctrine. OK, so he's just another stubborn old man who has stopped trusting the unfettered breezes of the Holy Spirit for guidance, preferring to rail against the targets of the old school: gays and women. He stands with that group in "The Poseidon Adventure" that did not go with Shelley Winters. They said, "Nope. We're going to stay right here in the ballroom. Better to dig in our heels rather than to start scampering about." We all know what happened to them.

His choice of name is telling. While casting back to a time and place in which he would feel comfortable, he logically discarded John, Paul and the two John Pauls. But some may wonder why he sidestepped the last century's hugest Germanophile, Pius XII. Maybe it is because of Pius's own difficulties with the Nazis, or because Ratzinger knows that when John XXIII became Pope, the first thing he found on his desk was Pius's plan to call for a Vatican Council, but I suspect the real reason has more to do with Pius's relationship with Cardinal Spellman. There's not much in Benedict XV that stirs the modern heart, but by golly, Ratzinger could place a dollar on the fact that he was a damn fine specimen of an asexual priest.

He's 78. His dictates will be largely ignored, and he is probably not the last nail in the coffin of Roman Catholicism.

The Spectator Pumps and Sling Backs of Mrs. Noreen Hamilton of Fort Lauderdale, Florida

DSC00528, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Not sure why I painted this. We looked at her condo a few years ago when we were looking for a Fort Lauderdale place. She greeted us and the agent in a floor length aquamarine caftan. She was tiny and quite elderly and full of laughter.She had placed a copy of a high end shelter mag by the door. The condo was featured on the cover. She was the widow of an FBI honcho who had worked with J. Edgar. He had taken care of her. Every cabinet she opened contained bottles. She offered us a drink (10:30AM) and even financing as I snapped pictures. When she led me into the depths of her walk-in, I could sense pride in her arrangement of footwear. We didn't buy the place. Should have. She planned to move to a building nearer the Galleria. Must look her up.I think she'd like this.

Snaxx

At the advice of a blogger, we attend this bi-weekly event at the Westside Tavern last Friday night, and we are pleased with what we find. Upon arrival, we pass through a laconic straight crowd draped about the main floor. Dante, or our instinct, guides us past these creatures to a sign that commands "LOUNGE". We make the descent into a cellar where an attentive bartender efficiently fuels a thick mob of men who are mostly taller than us. I shout over the noise to C. that they must be lacing the drinks with calcium. An intelligent DJ has blessedly subtracted any hint of a vocal line from his mix, charging the air with that sort of frisson one feels just before a lightening strike. The men here, with few exceptions, are very white, and all rather butch and built. (Margaret Butch-White?) Their coloration is neither a positive nor a negative. It is simply worth noting, in a city that usually contains more variety. Most everyone has hair that has been allowed to follow the natural contours of the face, like winter rye in a fallow place. No geometric cuts that seem to be lifted from A Pattern Language. And, unlike in other neighborhoods, no one is smoking. Also unlike in other neighborhoods, these men appear to have left their genitals at home, or perhaps to have placed them in some sort of timed-release security box under their vigilantly zippered jeans. There's not a dick to be seen, nor groping nor pawing nor squeezing of the crotch. C. and I, like those shipwrecked boys in Lord of the Flies have almost forgotten this sort of civilized behavior. We are more accustomed to venues in which the objective is to make Origami folds in jeans worn entirely at the ankles. We behave, and acquire a second drink. These men appear to be assessing each other, perhaps taking notes that might be played out over laundry in weeks to come, as in, "Didn't I see you at Snaxx in a Def Leppard tee shirt?". C. remarks that they are the exact same men who may be seen at Siberia. Very Edith Wharton, but a pleasant spectacle, and one which we will return to perhaps with our single, out-of-town, hairy, butch, built, white and taller friends, should we ever acquire any.

Vox Christi

Saturday February 19, 2005

Provoke.
Invoke.
Evocative.
Convocation.
Vocation.

Oddly enough, these words, all rooted in the vocal, seemed to crowd out all other observations as we walked through “The Gates” in Central Park at 10AM in full sun. Odd because despite the huge crowd, a quiet solemnity prevailed. At first I assumed this was by dint of the extreme cold, but came to realize that what we were hearing was the sound of people thinking rather than talking. I cannot recall a time when I have been part of a throng this big that wasn’t jabbering, fidgeting, jostling, shrieking, chanting or cheering. Even in Rome, when we trotted out the Pope, the crowd was about as ruly as that of a Superbowl, bruising their neighbors to get a full frontal into their cameras.

For this reason above all others, we decide the installation is good.

C feels it conjures fluorescent laundry. I counter with the impression of a bevy of Catholic school girls, but that is because I am obsessed with pleats. Yup, I love em. (I think that in heaven, if Miss Jesus will have me, I will be perpetually draped in Mariano Fortuny, but still allowed upstairs at the Eagle.)

As we approach The Boathouse for brunch, C, who loves this park, says that he’ll side with the Christo fans, but he is glad the installation is temporary “like when the carnival comes to town”.

I am distracted by the sight of a volunteer wearing an official beige “Gates” vest. He holds a long pole with a yellow tennis ball skewered on its tip. This is used to adjust the saffron when the wind twists it over the armatures (and, we agree wholeheartedly with that savvy stud from Philadelphia who observed that the armatures should have been grey to blend in with the winter trees and make the saffron really float.)

C suggests that we should be Christo volunteers next time. I agree and share the rumor that Jeanne-Claude has announced her desire to cover Jeff Stryker with red and gold flocked wallpaper. Wheat paste: the lube of a legend.

Later that evening, I laugh as I enter the soaring atrium of the Time Warner building and am assaulted by the sight of two one hundred foot long orange curtains and a matching valance framing the escalator down to Whole Foods. Is this a tribute or is it a nasty bit of mockery? Either way, it’s just pitifully lame. Worse is next door, where the window dressers at Hugo Boss have replaced the relentlessly black clothing with some orange tat. Everyone seems to have gotten the spirit except for the dour clerks at the Thomas Pink store where the colors were recalcitrant. I suppose that to be a function of the brand name, and I rethink my decision that if C and I ever had a daughter, we would name her Saffron. She might never be pretty in pink. I return to our earlier choice: Aerial Surveillance. She’ll grow into it.

In 2008

An openly gay man will be elected president, because:
a) he will run largely under the radar screen, on the net

b) he will get the youth, urban and swiftly growing minority vote

c) he will get the women vote because he won't be pushing a moral agenda that is prohibitive

d) the media will come up with names of people he has had sex with. It will be a long list. He will beam while proudly admitting to having had sex with them all (even the ones he can't quite recall)

e) the Libertarians will toss in with him just before the election, giving him the support of guys like Clint Eastwood and Kurt Russell

f) The two party system, which is as close to death as the electoral college, will once again produce two candidates who will be distasteful to most of America. Americans will look about for a hero and will sense something in the voice of the gay candidate: that long-lost sound of sincerety.

g) Other countries (need I name them?) will toss in with the gay candidate, as will Oprah

(h) It will help if he has military and government experience)

i) Barbra Streisand will get to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom again.

Early in his presidency, he will be assassinated, and will become instantly heroic in memoriam. Gay issues will reach resolution. He will have been the catalyst.

I know that all this sounds Messianic, but that is rather what is born of oppression.
Who's it going to be? I've been scanning the horizon for sight of him. He hasn't yet appeared. He's out there somewhere maybe just beginning to sense his responsibility and destiny.

Skin Flint

(As I said in askisadora.com)

Sean,
There are gradations to which you must pay attention if you are to get this:

a) heterosexual men do not moisturize, unless they are farmers who use a product called Bag Balm. It was designed for a cow's utter and comes in a nifty tin with some green and rose campion colored graphics. It is vile smelling, but efficient.

b) Suburban metrosexual men of the lowest rank will moisturize but only after they are married, have begun to see wrinkles, and reaching first into their wives' side of the medicine cabinet, uncork potions that don't smell butch. The more persistent of this group will go to the CVS or to Costco, and stock up on Lubriderm or a similar generic.

c) The next rank of metrosexuals are single men who discover that they are better looking than their buddies (mostly because girls tell them this, but sometimes because they are narcissies). They nurture a fascination with their own looks that is free of the boundaries set by heterosexual men.

There are two subsets of this group:
1) black and hispanic men who have been using nail polish for decades
2) television weather forecasters (also known as meteorosexuals)

d) the highest rank of metrosexuals are those men who have extended the investments made by their ego to encompass their face and body. Not only do they have to have the best car, condo, job and babe, but they have to have the best skin, hair, muscles and suits. These are the guys who study grooming products and sometimes consult with their gay friends. These are also the guys who stand on the precarious edge of actually having sex with other men. Afterall, their preoccupation with the whole "men" thing can't help but lead them to appreciation of some men as sex objects.

e) And finally, Sean, there are the homosexuals who have been moisturizing since kindergarten. (No joke, I begged my Aunt Claire to let me use her Noxema, and I knew, even at the age of five, that this was something best kept between her and me.)

Homosexuals don't need to shop in the "Men's Grooming" section for their products. We head straight to the L'Oreal Plenitude Revitalift with brazen assurance (when the jar is empty, the labels are easily removed and you can refill them with pesto for freezing and gifting through the winter.)

The way-high level of this group is the New York homosexual who gets advance notice that Kiehl's is opening a new store on the Upper West Side. He's there right away, and because he drops a hundred bucks on 1.7 ounces of cryste marine cream, and a small jar of multi-purpose facial formula (and because he compliments the salesgirl on her thick mahogany mane), he walks out with enough sample packets to furnish his gym bag for months.

The very highest level of homosexual is inhabited by only one man: me. I am the person who, while visiting the island of Montserrat (two years before it blew up) brought a dozen zip lock bags with me and filled them with various colored muds from the simmering volcano. This made for some very heavy luggage which I forced my very annoyed partner to share. Getting through customs was hilarious. When we got home, I ruined my Cuisinart food processor by trying to mix the mud with some almond paste and eucalyptus oil. Within a few weeks, the baggies of mud hardened into bricks. I set them out as the threshold of the herb garden we put in that year. They were soon covered with glorious lichen and moss. And yes, while putting in that garden, the only thing that replenished my hands was a good dollop of bag balm.

And that, Sean, should answer your question.

We are a what?!

Someone on the television just reminded us that we are afterall a "faith-based nation". He offered this as explanation for the election of Bush to a second term. Never before has this concept been clear to me. I now see that this nation is viewed by most of its citizens as a club of God-fearers. This is not at all the collection of tolerant, freedom-loving and courageous folks who, despising oppression and able to endorse with conviction the welcoming inscription of the statue of liberty, set up this country as a refuge. Don't get me wrong. I am well aware of the enormity of conservative America, but I thought a larger portion of that mass was tempered by compassion for the rest of us. I was wrong.

We are nolonger about inclusion. We are now about the enforcement of someone's boundaries for right and wrong.

The idea that a President should give us comfort by steering a moral course for us is so foreign to me that I wonder how I could have actually grown up amidst these people.

I thought the President was supposed to keep us safe (even while we are performing sex acts he may not agree with).

If you say "faith-based nation" three times fast, you end up saying "faith-bashed nation".

Just like in nature,

blue balls of Bloomfield, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

Just like in nature, one of these balls is slightly larger than the other.
But really, what were they thinking?

a) "Look Honey, the shiny things are on sale. Let's get two."
b) "Might as well put it out there with the one she gave us last Christmas".
c) "Well, we figured we had two windows..."
d) "That'll show those Hendersons a thing or two."


Feel free:

Two lesbians have informed me that

in the town of Ubud, on Bali, having sex is referred to as "jig-a-jig".

This fact has been labeled "permanent" and stored in the far lobes.

I think you can safely judge a person by the information he has chosen to retain or discard. For instance, it may be significant that I can name the nine muses, list the eight members of the band playing on deck while the Titanic sank, describe Jason Kidd's tattoos, and accurately deliver every word and pause recorded by Karen Carpenter.

I won't begin to list the things I have forgotten, but I am proud of my editing, and pleased with the shiny things I have kept dusted and neatly displayed on the shelves of memory. All the rest has slipped through the cracks and joints of the floorboards and has been carried off by that dark and silent river flowing beneath us while we sleep.

absurd house

absurd house, originally uploaded by farmboyz.

While this may not be the ugliest house in Connecticut, it is certainly the most absurd. It has not a single architectural feature that has not been misapplied, misused, misinterpreted or combined recklessly beyond the limits of sensible proportion. Looking at this house is profoundly irritating, but living in it is probably easier (once inside the foolish front door, you don't have to look at it). Is that the lady of the house coming forth as I get back into my car? I can tell she wants to obtain the name of the high end shelter mag in which her gracious home will be featured. Her hair is five times as large as her skull, and sprayed to imitate a five point buck. I speed away sparing her the reality.