Sunday, January 04, 2009

Road Notes

To prepare for the DC beltway, study the chariot race scene in Ben Hur.

The South is different. Between Richmond, Virginia and Jacksonville, Florida, NPR disappears, and the dial is swamped with Jesus. Consumers are fed what they want.

The convenience store women are very fat, funny and call me honey.

In a South Carolina parking lot, I am sitting in my Smartcar, trying to keep the juices from a Wendy’s ½ pounder from dripping onto every other part of me by mashing it onto my mouth, when I look up to see a family stopping close to my windshield to take a photo of my car. I wanted very much to ask them to delete it and to let me run back inside to purchase the salad item. That would be what is expected of a Smartcar owner. It’s been several years since I had one of these burgers. Not changed a bit. I’ll eat another one in 2019.

The optical sensors on the urinals of the rest stops all along Route 95 are labeled Zurn. Probably a German manufacturer. Could it be that the blinking red dot is doing more than sensing motion? Is it recording? Would the rapid frisson of an expedient jerk-off confuse the dot into a wild flush? I think I might like to be a Zurn, with an endless stream of the traveling men of America unzipping before me. Zurns should come equipped with applause meters.

6 comments:

Doralong said...

A Smartcar on 95? you are a brave, brave man!

evilganome said...

Driving period! I would have flown and I'm one of the great white knuckle fliers of the world.

rptrcub said...

Honey, shugah, Southernism No. 542, NPR does exist there. In fact, other than the Jeebus frequencies, S.C. ETV Radio has a pretty good network of both NPR news, classical and jazz. Next time, dial in at 90.1 for the upper portion of I-95; 89.3 near Charleston (or try 91.3 in Columbia near the I-26 interchange); 89.9 near the hawt hawt Marines near Beaufort/Savannah.

NPR, indeed, is what keeps the region from collapsing in upon itself from its own stupidity. And I say this as a snobby, effete, libruhl Southerner in Atlanta.

Father Tony of the Farmboyz said...

I swear i scanned the dial repeatedly and couldn't find it. Southern Jesus blocked me!

John said...

DC Beltway.....no way! I drive 25 miles out of the way when traveling to Baltimore to avoid the DC Beltway. I feel your pain.

Java said...

Honey, I'm fat and live in South Carolina in a town where NPR comes through with lots of fuzz. It's a strange place. But I'll take pictures of your Smart car and call you honey anytime you want me to. ;)