Monday, September 12, 2005

Self Sabotage

  • He
  • said:

    It's a monday morning and i am overwhelmed with doubts. I know doubts come with relationships, all of them - whether "mere" friendships, or the kind that involve sex, and shared secrets, and hopes for a life together. I know this, I have experienced it, and yet, now, right now, for the moment anyway, I doubt I am right for him. This is no time for "hey guy, you're cool, you're a great guy" etc. I am not writing this to get that reaction. I think I am writing this to flesh these jumbled up thoughts for myself, and the structure of making it semi-coherant here in 'public' might help. Friends can't answer the question of whether I am a nice guy, am i a smart-ass, am I too biting and sarcastic and downright rude sometimes. They don't have so much invested, they don't experience the worries and doubts that, well, lovers do. Perhaps ex-boyfriends can help me understand what it is about me that gives mixed signals - "i love you" vs. "leave me alone I'm not even awake yet" - OK, those are poor examples. But apparently somethings i do or say, or the manner in which i say or do them, are rude and hurtful. And it is vague, and I don't quite see it, and that there is the problem. It is not OK for me to conclude that it is his problem. That is never the right answer, no matter what the relationship is - if indeed you want it to continue and in fact get even better. But I am genuinely perplexed, and saddened by this dilemna. I want to fix it, yet i don't, honestly, know what I am doing wrong, and so can't begin to be better. I am overwhelmed and frankly, a bit frozen - worried about making more, and bigger mistakes. Doubting even the little nicenesses that I want to do on a whim because they may seem contrived, or calculated. This is not what he has said, but more my anxiety getting the better of me and just doubting everything for now (I hope it is just for now).

    My comment:

    When I met C, I had to clear the house in order to enter the relationship.

    I had to move my closest friends, who arrived like clockwork every friday at 6PM and stayed for the weekend, out. I had to get through to them that the thing I really wanted had arrived, and that it would take their place. I handled this poorly, and those two people were hurt very deeply. (We are all three on speaking terms, but no longer close. They soon found love, and they are both in relationships that are just as long as mine.)

    When C and I first moved in together, I was rude and irritable about a number of things. I guess I was nervous, more about myself than about him. I would mentally replay the tapes of things I said to him, and be mortified. He didn't seem to feel them half as much as I did. This was a surprise and a relief to me. When he behaved badly, I made so much noise about it, you'd think I had been crucified.

    And then, luckily, time passed, and we were able to correct the foolishness in order to save the goodness of being together.

    Time passed! So wonderfully, we survived ourselves.

    Something in your words reminded me of me. I hope you will have also some of my other qualities - the redeeming ones - that will see you through this moment.


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    tornwordo said...

    We set up a video a couple years ago and taped an evening when friends came over. Later, I was simply horrified at how my words seemed so bitchy and hateful. Strange because I wasn't feeling that way, but watching it, shudder.
    I don't think we can ever really see ourselves how others see us.