Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tomorrow on Bilerico: "When a Challenged Man Wants Casual Sex""

You will have to go to Bilerico tomorrow morning at 10:30AM for my response to this:

Dear Father Tony,

I am a very lonely and sex-starved 23-year-old gay man with mild Tourette Syndrome characterized by motor and facial tics. I repeat, mild tics. I am well aware of the fact that I am different and that most guys will not understand (or even care to understand) my situation. I am fortunate to have a few very good friends. I love them. They keep me sane. I have however given up on romantic love . I can accept my situation as a single man, and I know that there are many lonely men everywhere with all varieties of quirk, but I cannot accept the fact that sex is off limits to me unless I pay for it. I want everyone to know (anonymously) how humiliating it is for a man like me (young, hung and in excellent shape) to have to pay an escort for sex. The humiliation is compounded by the obvious discomfort of some of those paid escorts. I have only two regulars who put me at ease and actually build my self-confidence. To be clear, I want casual anonymous sex. I agree with what you have written about the dangers of online hookups and I will not jeopardize even the safety of my home, let alone my person. I live in a city with opportunities: a bathhouse, sex clubs and other establishments that facilitate sex but I have had the expected bad times at these places because of how I present. There are also ample online group sex parties held in private homes. My one experience with these was a disaster. The host asked me to leave. Again, I just want to be treated as the normal attractive young gay male that you would see in a still photo of me. My doctors tell me that I may outgrow this condition. I have avoided medication because of the side effects. I have a running joke with them that if it doesn’t clear up soon, it won’t matter. My predicament is worsened by the fact that I am sometimes approached by unattractive men who are willing to overlook my tics because they can’t score with anyone else. That is sometimes the most frustrating and depressing part of a night out. I actually welcome the occasional mercy-fuck. Is there some secret to my getting well and often laid that you know? My doctors are no help with this. Am I always to be relegated to pornography and masturbation?

On Shaky Ground.


Spouse Walker said...

Jeez, ok the guy is young but come on. He is obsessed with sex. I remember always meeting guys at 23 with the hope of starting something more serious. So my point is that i was misguided. I wanted a relationship and thought sex was the way to get there. It wasn't. I was using people like they were using me and this young guy needs to read his words and realize that he, too, although undersandable, is obsessed with the physical. I recommend more interpersonal introspective cruising of himself and the minds of others as well. I am still learning to acknowledge others emotional beings. Stay out of the baths if you are looking for depth. That's a no brainer and has nothing to do with Tourettes. Shallow can be seen in the mirror too. Good luck. I look forward to your gentle approach. I think.

Tony Adams said...

Dear ewe,
I have a number of friends who say they are not looking for love. What they really mean is that they need to put up a false facade so that we cannot see their loneliness. I think we can allow them that without question. I think that when this guy tells me he is looking only for the physical, we have to bracket talking about love and romance for another day. Besides, even if he did not have Tourette, he'd be no more lucky at love than the next guy.

TED said...

This guy would have much better luck -- both with anonymous sex and with finding a boyfriend -- if he looked online. He can find a way to address his safety concerns. Online searching has the twin advantages of a) more easily reaching the guys (they must be out there) who are attracted to his condition and b) avoiding the immediate visual-based rejection by otherwise suitable candidates who would warm to the idea in a context where decisions are less instantaneous.

jimbo said...

ewe, I think _all_ 23 year olds are obsessed with sex - at least from an older person's perspective. They're young and horny, it's that simple, and forgiveable too.

And I can personally attest with Tony's statement - you don't have to have Tourette's to be unlucky either in love or lust.

stephen said...

Most certainly it is unfortunate that he suffers from mild tics and I thoroughly sympathise with his situation. However, (and not to suggest that we are in some sort of 'suffering competition'), I would venture that is still a step above being rejected outright via the "no offence, I am not a racist" line still common enough online.

Spouse Walker said...

Yeah Steven, I guess people should sleep with Asians when they are not turned on by them at all. Politial correctness has moved out of our vocabulary and right into our flipped out psyches. I am not into women. No offense. I guess i am being sexist huh?

stephen said...

Dear ewe,

1) It's Stephen, not Steven.

2) I am guessing that you are indirectly suggesting that I am accusing people of being racist. I don't believe I did that. I think the concept of racism is more complex than that. I merely pointed out that being rejected after someone has seen you in the flesh is possibly still better than being rejected without having had the chance to be seen.

3) I think also that the serious proponents of political correctness deserve more credit than you are implying. The movement proper made people more sensitive to the fact that people are different, which is a good thing.

4) BTW, your argument is one very frequently used to justify rude remarks behind the anonymity of pseudonyms. It's really quite sad.

Spouse Walker said...

Dear Stephen:
1)I do not want to look at someones naked body after i have made the decision i am not interested nor am i into a pity fuck by someone else that is not into me but decides to see me in the buff,so to speak, first. That is asinine logic.
2) I sense more hatred toward gays and lesbians than ever before so i disagree with you.
3)BTW: get over the fact I disagree with you. I am not your friend so push someone elses buttons. Your sentiments about Asians is rediculous and it is you that has issues around it. You seem to be suggesting that if only people would take the time to take a peek at an Asians body then they would not be rejected. How bizarre. That shows your self esteem on some level. Writing under the pen name "Steven" is so more detailed than "ewe". Another silly statement. Have a nice day. chin chin.

stephen said...

Dear ewe,

1) Stephen (not Steven) is not a pen name. It's my name.

2) My point that being seen was perhaps better than not being seen at all was simply that: the former is better than the latter. No implication about looking at naked bodies, so hopefully asinine logic has been avoided.

3) I think, overall, people have become more aware of different cultures, that women are people too, etc. We probably have different experiences relating to this, so we would have to remain of different opinions here.

4) I have no idea what prompted your statements about my self esteem. Perhaps it was my comment about it being sad that people write rude things under pseudonyms. That was merely a general observation on how things happen in manhunt, gaydar, blogs, etc.

5) In any case, I have no desire for the discussion to be reduced to the slinging of personal attacks. That happens way too often (something else that I find sad). So this will be the last comment I post on this. You have a good day too!

Stash said...

The "not into Asians" is so tired.

A simple "not interested" will suffice.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Tony -- Was your response ever posted on Bilerico? I searched your archive there, and didn't see the post. I know a lot has been going on, but I would be interested to hear your take on this situation. And if I am just being blind, I apologize.

Tony Adams said...

Dear Bearaymond,
It was indeed on Bilerico and it is still visible there. You can search it by date (last thursday) or by title: "When a challenged man wants casual sex" or by author. It got a significant amount of commentary.

Tony Adams said...

Dera Bearaymond. I checked. It's still there:

Spouse Walker said...

Steven: you sling. I am addressing your hypocrisy.