Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today on Bilerico: A Real Snake Charmer?

You'll have to go to Bilerico after noon today to see my answer to the following:

Dear Father Tony,

Last week, I did something I have wanted to do for years. I did it while my partner was away on business for a week. I got my first tattoo. It’s a really sensuous green serpent that winds around my shoulder and ends with its forked tongue flicking my nipple. I decided that I would do this as a surprise for my partner, “J”, but when I came home and revealed it, “J” went through the roof. Furious that I did this secretly without sharing the idea. We had a huge fight. It’s not over. I think I have a right to my own body and what goes on it. I had always pictured my lover’s hands moving over my body following the serpent down to my nipple. Well I don’t think that’s ever going to happen and the whole thing is ruined. Was I wrong to do this? I don’t think so, but what do I do to fix this mess?

My Bad?


TED said...

So much drama. His partner will get used to it. If not, he can always have one of those surgical procedures where they remove the partner. I think the call it a jerkectomy.

Tate said...

Charmer? I think not. Getting body art/modification is not exactly shocking behavior nowadays. I think his partner has a right to his negative feelings in regards to the new art, but I believe a bit of tact is called for in the expression of his reaction. This was obviously a thought out decision not taken lightly, as most body art that grand in scale is. This isn't your run of the mill drunken tattoo of a chili pepper on an ass cheek or a four leaf clover. There seems to be control issues at stake here, as evidenced by the vitriolic response of anger. Perhaps by both parties in a dominant/passive aggressive paradigm. To surprise one's significant other with the sudden appearance of large scale body art, could be interpreted as a passive aggressive show of rebellion against being controlled. Don't know how you will answer this one, but as always, I look forward to reading your interpretation. No pictures of the offending work?

Mark said...

Considering that I was a bit peeved to arrive home and find my-then-boyfriend-now-husband had shaved his full beard into one of them new fangled goatee thingies, I'm probably the wrong person to ask.

But I was over it in minutes, once I got used to it. And it tickled in a different way!

But I can see both sides of this situation, and yes, it's definitely about control issues, but perhaps also desire. For all we know, his partner has always admired clarity and beauty of his skin, now marred in his eyes by that "sensuous snake".

Goatee shaving? Go for it.

Serious body art? Talk it out first, maybe.

Hissy fits? Never.

Doralong said...

As always, I look forward to your response Padre. I can sort of see both sides of this. Power struggle? Perhaps. The need for autonomy and to hell with what he thinks about it? Quite possible.

Or instead of unconscious psychological machinations, perhaps you just fucked up and didn’t take into consideration that the reaction might not be as you had planned. And obviously you planned it, as Tate pointed out something like that is not a spur of the moment decision.

However it would appear that any reaction on the part of your partner, other than caressing your serpentine work of art and being on the same page of the fantasy script, wasn’t really taken into consideration, you just assumed he’d be as turned on as you by the change.

Your body, your choice- however body modification really is the sort of thing two people in a long term relationship may want to discuss. Perhaps he hates green, or abhors snakes, or there is the possibility that he feels betrayed that you wouldn’t take the time to discuss the matter with him. Sometimes people genuinely are attached to the way their partner appears and drastically altering it without warning can really be very upsetting. As silly as it sounds it really can hurt the other person, albeit unintentionally. I gave nary a thought to whacking off my butt length hair years ago and in retrospect really wish I had given my spouse fair warning... I’d have still done it, but I do regret not discussing it with him as he was genuinely hurt that I didn’t. In his mind it was a part of me that would always be there and indeed was part and parcel of the physical attraction. Yep it’s just hair, and sure there are obviously far more substantive reasons for the relationship. But the fact of the matter is he really got off on the Lady Godiva look and it took quite some time to get over going from that to Annie Lennox length. I was quite tempted to lecture him on being ridiculous for adhering to an outmoded model of female beauty and so on, but when I saw the look on his face I realized that I fucked up by not telling him and I genuinely hurt him by not giving him the courtesy of a discussion prior to such a drastic change.

Most importantly I showed a huge lack of respect, which I expect my partner to show me but in that instance didn't have the courtesy to show him. Perhaps that might be part of his issue?